Lessons Learned

Well, it has been a long time since I have been on this page…..

To give you a quick update – I lost my voice. Not literally, but I realised a few years ago that the words inside my head, heart and spirit were not being expressed. I had pushed them down, locked them up, sealed them away. I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling or thinking, I couldn’t express my opinions and, if I did, my carefully edited and strained words fell on deaf ears.

So began a journey to find the missing part of me, actually – to find myself. I used to think that was a trite quip people dragged out to excuse their irrational behaviour that couldn’t be explained any other way. For me, I realised, my days were not how I thought they would be, my future was unclear and my past … let’s just say, that was a long time ago, I didn’t even remember who that girl was.

And a lightbulb went off! Who was I? I couldn’t understand the person I had become, she was without joy, without purpose, drifting into a future she couldn’t see. Stop the merry-go-round, I want to get off!

I’ve always found inspiration and revelation not only in unusual places but, in waves of confirmation from various sources. This was no different – ‘ The Runaway Bride’. You know the one, Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? After Julia’s character runs away from every wedding she was supposed to be married at, a reporter (Richard’s character) interviews her jilted grooms with a question – how does she like her eggs?

TBH, I don’t like eggs unless they are in a pavlova, cake or pancakes (you get the idea … lol) but it made me realise – I didn’t know what I liked or wanted anymore. Part of me was missing -she’d disappeared in a revolving door of mothering, marriage and the mundane. I don’t want it to sound like I didn’t like my life – I did and I do – but my heart, head and spirit, the parts that made me ME, had gone silent, lost in the noise of everybody else.

Over the next few epistles, I am hoping to unpack Lessons Learned …

if you want to read more, please like and share this blog, send me a comment or a message and let’s find ourselves together!

Reviving my heart

I can’t believe how long it has been since I wrote here! Mind you, I have journals filled with my daily thoughts filed away in date order from when I started high school. I doubt I will ever stop writing, but there are few people or places where I would share those epistles and even fewer times when I have gone back and re-read them – until recently.

My heart has been going through some changes over the last few years – life can be like that, right? Curveballs hit, birthdays come, seasons change and you find yourself questioning and re-evaluating, wondering how you got to where you are and if there is more to life than where you have found yourself.

I don’t mean this in a negative way, to imply my life was bad. Actually, part of my inspiration was the Julia Roberts / Richard Gere movie – ‘The Runaway Bride’. not to give away anything in the movie but ‘how do you like your eggs?’ It got me wondering if my choices in life were MY choices or were made because of my situation / environment / people pleasing nature so I have been challenging myself to discover how I ‘like my eggs’! And that has been quite the journey, (and as you can probably guess has very little to actually do with eating eggs – lol!)

I was directed to go back 7 years. Why that date, I wasn’t sure but I turned to those journals under my desk and starting reading, day by day, where my heart was at during that time in my life. And then I knew ‘why’ that date ….

Reading the thoughts I penned, has been part time travel, part deja vu; part sorrow and part joy; part wisdom and part ‘what the hell was I thinking?’ But it revived my heart and has led my back to a place in my heart that has laid dormant for far too long.

So, here I am again. My heart is still beating, still searching, still hoping, still loving but reviving and renewing me in ways I thought were lost forever. And helping me rediscover how I like my eggs (again, it has nothing to do with eggs … lol!)

It has showed me some startling truths of who of who I was then, who I was before then and who I was starting to become. The truth is not always pleasant but there is an open door with the statement ‘know the truth and the truth will set you free’.

I am on a new journey, one I hope you will share with me, one I hope will encourage you to revive your heart and we may break a few eggs along the way …. 🙂

Close your eyes …

in my younger days there were song lyrics that started with ‘”Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you….”

Have you noticed in kissing scenes in most movies the characters close their eyes as they come in for that intimate moment, their lips touch and it feels like time stops. That first kiss can change everything, all focus is on that moment and they don’t see it because their eyes are closed.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, why do we close them off to someone we are sharing an intimate moment with?

It made me think about other times I close my eyes –

• when I towel dry my hair (I didn’t know you can actually see through the weave in a towel, it’s kind of cool),

• when I sneeze (nobody can keep their eyes open when they sneeze. It’s a good cover if you go through an orange traffic light – not that I’ve ever used it to get out of a fine or anything…)

• when I’m praying (it’s kind of silly because God can see you anyway but it helps me focus on Him)

• when I’m disappointed or angry (I try to breathe, wait before I speak and count to 10, it seems to be easier with my eyes closed)

• when I fall asleep in front of the TV (I think I get that from my dad – lol)

And speaking of TV, while I was debating over why we close our eyes at intimate moments, I tuned into a program called “Look Into My Eyes”.

Part of the program is where two people who haven’t either seen or connected with each for some time, for whatever personal reasons have befallen their relationship, meet in a room with only two chairs and spend 60 seconds staring into each others’ eyes. It’s interesting to hear what they report back as having seen in the other persons’ eyes. From there, they decide if they want to talk to each other and/or reconnect.

Talking with someone face to face is an incredible opportunity to look into their eyes and truly connect. I believe there is a lot you can tell about someone looking into their eyes and I’m not talking just about their eye colour (although that fascinates me – my grandfather had the most amazing blue eyes. I thought my eyes were kind of average but I like the term ‘hazel’ now)

Do you remember the days when you would meet someone face to face and, as you spoke, you would look at each other, catch each other’s eyes and feel closer as a result? These are the times spent with the people who become your best friend, your life partner or someone who is very special to you at at time that becomes very special (most recently for me it was with a family member, shortly before they passed away. The eyes really are the mirrors to the soul in that moment …)

But there are other times I close my eyes …

• I don’t want to face anything negative around me
• I don’t want to face drama and tension
• I don’t want to face pain and suffering
• Sometimes, I don’t even want to face reality (have you ever felt like that? I don’t want to think I’m the only one …)

These are the times I need to be brave enough to open my eyes and truly see the intimacy in these moments. so I don’t miss a thing (sounds like another song lyric…lol!).

So, tell me, what do you see? Do you live with your eyes open or closed?